I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
