Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
