I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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