Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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