fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
