Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
