where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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