you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
