It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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