I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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