All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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