im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
