Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
