My liver just broke up with me...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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