No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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