you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
