I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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