I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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