His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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