Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
