Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
