you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
