my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
