Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
