Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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