i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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