apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
