Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
