I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
