She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
