your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
