Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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