Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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