did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
