I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
