a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
