do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
