i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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