Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
being pregnant is like rehab
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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