I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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