is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
