she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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