I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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