I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
