Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
