On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
