I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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