the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
