What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
