i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
