I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
