So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
