if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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