when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
