I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
